Posts Tagged With: PTSD

Be Still and Know That I am God

“Be still and know that I am God,

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalms 46:10

Be Still…translated from the Hebrew word râphâh, which literal means cease, fail, idle, let alone, slack and to be weak or slothful.

Think about those English words for a moment.  Do they sound like good things to do?  Not in the culture!  In our present age, it is all about being the fastest and most efficient.  We strive to be self-suffocate, independent people.  Its all about how much we can do do do, to be there best best BEST!  Busy…has somehow become the new happy.  But it isn’t very happy at all.

From reading Psalm 46, it sure doesn’t sound like God’s idea of happy either.  Apparently, God wants us to slow down…stop and think if him.   This is does not come natural to me, this has been my struggle for the past couple months. 

I am different than a lot of people; I’m an odd combo, an oxi-moron.  I am a major extrovert…with some major depression.  What does this mean? It means I get my high from people.  Being with my friends, feeling connected and in the middle of whatever is happening is better than any drug for me. I can be physically and even mentally exhausted to no end, but when I’m with a big group of my friends, I become an energized social butterfly!  For a lot of people this type of situation can be overwhelming and exhausting, but normally it isn’t for me.  With some friends by my side…I’m on top of the world. But when I’m all alone; doing homework, riding the bus, trying to fall asleep…there’s a different side of me.  Its a sad, lonely, confused Heather.  There are few that have seen this side of me, which isn’t even really on purpose.  Its just the people that know me well enough to be spending time in a one on one setting who see glimpses of the depressed side of me.  For years I have had everyone fooled, thinking a was happy as all get out, and I wasn’t even trying to fool them!  Because I DO have great moments and I HAVE been blessed by a lot of things.  But for some reason, whether its by nature or nurture,  I can have a great night with friends and still cry myself to sleep that night.

This is one of the reasons why it so hard for me to follow the Lord’s instructions and “be still.”  Being busy is probably my greatest coping mechanism.  It isn’t very healthy, but its better than some of my alternatives, and it looks great.  When I have to hold yourself together to be busy, nobody gets to know how sad I am…including myself.  When I’m busy, with often very good things, I get to hide from my emotions.

I have been living the functional yet dysfunctional lifestyle since September.  Now, the school term is over, I am not working or dancing.  I have twenty days to get ready to go on my trip, but not much else going on.  While it should feel like a relief, and it does a little, it is actually very scary.  I feel like I am going through withdrawals from school…because at school I have so many friends and so I love it.  I am dreading this holiday season, because it has such bittersweet memories, but mostly, because it is suppose to be a time of rest.  And for me, resting means I have to feel.

A lot has happened to me over the past few months.  There have been very hard things happen, but I had to keep going, because I was busy.  There were always places to go, people to see, no time to be sad and cry.  Now it is different, I can’t be numb anymore.  I know that is going to be good for me, but honestly, it really stinks.  I pulled things together really well, and now I have to un-pull-it-together so that I don’t completely fall apart while on my missions trip!  Honestly…I don’t even know where to start, except by writing this post.  And by remembering that verse, meditating on that day and night. Tonight, that is what I am trying to do.

 

Categories: Preparing for Kona, Right Now | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rewind: Coffee Shop Ponderings

During the past few months, and years of that matter, I have spent a lot of time in various coffee shops. Coffee shops are good for a lot of different things.  They are good for charging laptops.  They are good public places to stay safe in. Some coffee shops are open in the early morning, some are open late at night, some don’t close at all.  This was some writing I did at a Starbucks in March. I was very frustrated because I had set up an ideal surrounding for myself to write, but then I couldn’t find anything to say.  I ended up writing like this for a while…”free writing” of sorts…and then went home very frazzled. In reality I was still getting some medications sorted out.

Anyway…take a peek tonight into the (sometimes frustrating) mind of Heather. Go ahead, and then tell me what you think!

Tonight is a night of pondering.

Thinking.

Evening Walking.

Caramel Latte. 

Jars of Clay. 

Reading.

Blogging.

I wish I had the ability to take what is in my head and get it in words on this screen. There is so much I am longing to say, I just can’t seem to interpret it into words. I feel isolated. Trapped within my own mind, raging to get out. Where is God when I need him? In the words of Psalm 42, why are you cast down, oh my soul?

Failure.

Loser.

Their talking about you. Nobody like you. What a joke.

Where’s my camp? Where is my safe haven? Nowhere. It doesn’t exist.

God, be good to me. I’m trusting you will unmuddle my head soon.

I can’t feel you. You’re a cement wall in the sky.  Frustration. Anger. Every emotion at once. Why is the writing thing sooooo hard? Why can’t I interpret what’s in my head?

Tebo’s.

Dance.

“Darkness is my closest friend.”

My story is one of uncertainty.

Nicotine and Caffeine.

I’m losing it…

Jesus I’m crying out to you. Cover me. Help me function. I can’t do this on my own. Send me an angel of hope.

Categories: Rewind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ponder With Me For Awhile

Ponder with me for awhile…

  • If Jesus came back today, would you rise to meet him in the air? Are you ready and waiting, are you’re affairs squared away?
  • Do you daily practice seeing the best in people? Do you see the people in you’re life as who they are, not gay or straight, catholic or protestant, black or white, male or female? Do you love you’re neighbor as yourself?
  • What does it mean to be clean before the Lord? Does one’s purity really depend on their physical body?  Is it possible for us as humans to learn to see each other as the Lord sees us, clean if we are in him?

And now maybe a few harder questions, possibly blunter than is conformable for some. But nevertheless, questions that need to asked, that must be mulled over. Please join me in wondering…

Do you refrain from jumping from conclusions about the people around you?

  • Those wondering hands? They have been taught that fondling is the only way to love.
  • That loud mouth? Its under the influence of substances and doesn’t even know it yet.
  • Those cut up arms? They Bleed because they eyes attached can’t cry tears.
  • The girl you call skinny? She knows that she resembles a corpse and no, skeletons are not considered pretty.
  • The dark makeup? It covers the dark circles caused by dozens of sleepless nights.
  • The panicky eyes? They have seen more in their few years than most in a lifetime.

Join me today in my questions. Think before you speak. But please, do speak. Somebody needs to. 

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With You in Spirit Tonight

Here’s another letter from a relative I received today. God is with us!!!

 

 

 

I remember swing parties and will be with you in spirit tonight, even though we are separated by some 66 years and an entire continent. I’m also excited for you as you prepare for your Great Adventure and will be mailing a contribution soon. 
 
I will also read your blog and email you from time to time. (I’m not a big Facebook fan.) When I turned 18, I had just finished my first year at Lindenwood College, a small Presbyterian school in St. Charles, MO, just outside St. Louis. I was on my own for the first time and loved every minute of it.
♥♥♥
Categories: Preparing for Kona, Right Now | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rewind: My Journey Towards Choosing Joy

Below is a compilation of personal blog posts telling the story of my special horse and I, and the way we learned to trust together.  Please enjoy the stories and pictures.  Stay tuned for more posts telling about my more current experiences with horses, including a trip to this ranch just a month ago! 

Continue reading

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I Have to Speak

This morning I got a letter from a distant relative who read my most recent blog post Rewind and Right Now: Lost Within Myself.  They are true, honest words, and I offer them here for whoever they may speak to, not just me.  Read and receive, my friends.

Also, I have added a new category to my blog entitled Right Now, which will include posts like this one, which do not directly relate to my trip.  I do think it is helpful to talk about these sorts of issues before my trip however, for I will need to know how to deal with it when it inevitably comes up while I am in Kona or on outreach.

“Oh my dear Heather, you don’t realize what a precious soul you are. It probably doesn’t help to have some distant relative say that you are not alone; you are very loved. But as one who has lived in hopeless hell for years, I have to speak. Your emotions know that are taking a huge step, and IT IS scary. If I can offer just one piece of advice, please don’t decide that you are letting anyone down by feeling your emotions. Unless they start to damage you, it’s OK to acknowledge and embrace them. God put them there, and without them, we would be very shallow people. Your pain today will give you deep insights into the hurting people you will meet. I know these words won’t stop the pain. Funny thing about strong negative emotions is they won’t won’t let you feel the love and support we want to give you. PS You are FAR more in touch with your inner feelings than most folks who do this kind of thing. It’s pure terror now, but as distant third party, I’m actually excited to see the person you will be in a year or two from now.” 

We are not alone friends, no matter how alone we feel.  God is with us, and we all have at least one person who loves us. That’s what I’m holding on to tonight.

Categories: Right Now | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Rewind and Right Now: Lost Within Myself

I’m going to be honest here, thus week has been challenging.  Due to some unexpected recent events I have been experiencing PTSD.  I have been having some every similar emotions as expressed in the piece I wrote in mid-February if this past year.

Nothing makes me happy right now. Really truly happy. I smiled when I talked to Hannah on the phone, I chuckled at dance when Benny the dog was being silly.  But where is that complete feeling that I used to know? I used to feel full, but now I’m empty, and I’m not sure what will fill me up again.

Is Jesus enough? I sincerely believe that he is a God that can do all things, but does that mean that we depend on only him? Are those pills that I have learned to resent part of God’s will for me?

A woman that I look up to always tells me that “we are rulers of our own destiny.” I think there is truth in this, yet where does God’s sovereignty fit in? I want to have a successful life, I have dreams and goals. But I’m not there yet. I’m stuck in the here and now, where sleeping feels good, living takes work and God feels so far away.

When I can think clearly enough, these are the questions I am asking. Yet for the last few days (or weeks), thinking clearly is rare. My thoughts conflict, and stress comes rushing in like a whirlwind. I want help, I need something to change. I don’t know what that looks like, and I’m scared.

 My 18th birthday is quickly approaching, and I’m moving out this Saturday. This new freedom is something I have dreamed of for years, bu suddenly, its scary. Maybe that is normal? Maybe I just won’t know until I’m there.

Well, I have to be up and moving in six hours, so I should probably wrap up my rambling. Maybe this has done some good? Maybe I will awake with renewed energy and motivation? Somehow I doubt it. For now I will give in to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow. Help me Jesus, I am lost within myself. Teach me to find myself in you. 

Thank you for reading my friends. Please don’t hesitate at all to send a prayer in my name! Please do! These are hard days, everything aches and hurts.

Blessings!

Categories: Preparing for Kona, Rewind, Right Now | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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