Rewind: All For You

 This is a song I wrote while listening to a sermon at church with my grandma.  I posted it on my personal blog “Choosing Joy” on November 25th, 2011.  I have been meditating on these works a lot lately! All based of scripture!

All For You

By Heather McClish – The Corpse Butterfly 

Verse 1:

       D                                  A                         Bm

I am strong in the Lord who sees past my sin,

         G                                 A

Who sees the few strengths in me.

             D                   A                 Bm

He has a purpose for my life that is good,

Em          F#m          G           A

He has a plan that I cannot see.


G     A      Bm        G2       A

All for you, make me all for you

                 G2             D                     G2   Asus    A

Build me strong, fill me up, help me shine for you

                G       A       Bm           F#m       A     Bm

For I know that your plan has a start and an end

            G                    D

I am yours, you are  mine

              E     E7     C2    G     A

I am beautiful to you

Verse 2:

D                            A                         Bm

I will trust in the Lord who longs for my life,

           G                                      A

Who wants to make beauty from pain.

  D                      A                     Bm

He owes me nothing and I owe it all.

  Em                 F#m        G        A

Redeemed by him it is all my gain.

Verse 3:

                    D                     A                          Bm           

I am loved by the Lord, who sees my heart,

             G                               A

My heart that is prone to wrong.

            D            A                Bm

I am nothing own my so this be my cry:

Em             F#m              G           A

My life is God’s and to him I belong

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“Transfer to Lines 32, 34, 35, 79 and 154”

Well, I was going to write a post entitled “I Have a Big Mouth,” which I think I will still write sometime, but I decided to write this one instead. Today I’m going to talk about riding the bus.

Public transit has a big stigma. I really surprises me how many people will ride public transit all over the world, but never in their home town.

I rode the bus for the first time alone when I was twelve. We were taking care of my aging grandma, who we couldn’t leave the house with.  I took the bus to my dance lessons. I didn’t complain, because I knew my mother was doing the best she could.  I didn’t have a cell phone, but neither did my parents. Sometimes it was scary, but I lived.

Riding the bus has never been my favorite thing to do, but it gave me freedom.  I wasn’t completely reliant on others for rides anymore. I had the power to leave a situation of I was uncomfortable or scared.

After doing some traveling with friends in europe, public transit seemed much less taboo to me. All of my friends and I were riding transit together, no matter how well off they were back home.  Even my rich friends had to walk sometimes. I thrived, because I had done so much of that already at home.

Most of the time, I really enjoy riding the bus now! It is more relaxing than driving. I love watching people, listening to music, and running into old friends. Bus riding is very physically taxing, but emotionally calming. Its the same route, the same people, the same automated messages. For so many people, its their rhythm, their routine.

I will always associate different bus lines with certain people or events. I was asked out on my first date on a 33 bus.  I listened to endless Group 1 Crew and TobyMac while riding the 35. You get the idea.

In conclusion, riding the bus is still not my favorite thing.  Sometimes I see people I don’t like; sometimes I get scared. Its a freedom and a responsibility. Its a gift and curse. But sometimes, its ok. Sometimes listening to early in the morning sitting on the bus and listening to that certain song while watching the city outside wake up is just what I need.

What do you think? What sort of stigma do you see public transit having? How do you think it varies from place to place? Don’t forget to pray for Sarah Evans and check out my new Facebook Page! Blessings to you all!

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Rewind: Krayon Kids Camp – Joy*

Posted on my personal blog “Choosing Joy,” on July 18th, 2011.  Please read and enjoy!

*Name has been changed for the purpose of privacy. I have Chosen the name “Joy” because she brought joy to my life.

A few weeks ago I have had to wonderful privilege and opportunity to work at Krayon Kids Camp as a day camp counselor. The first half of my day I would spend with “the red group” consisting of mostly 9 and 10 year olds. I (along with the other red staff) would get them checked in, play games with the kids before camp, and then accompany the kids to their skills classes: vocal, dance, hip hop, and drama.

During lunch, which all the kids had together, so ages 7-12, I was just supposed to hang out with the kids, get the engaged with games and each other, and make sure they didn’t get into trouble. On the first day at lunch however, I met Joy.  I had already known that Joy needed some special attention, and for some reason I was very eager to meet her.  She was petite eleven-year-old, with shoulder-length blond hair. Her face was covered in freckles, and maybe some scaring, but I wasn’t sure.  I introduced myself, but mostly I just sat and watched her play.

In the afternoon, the kids were all split in different groups, workshops. They had picked which workshop they would be in when they registered for camp, but now came the chaotic part where we had to split all the kids up (not color-coded this time) and make sure they were all accounted for.  I had not been assigned a workshop that I would help in.  The camp directors just said they would put me where they needed me. With this in mind, I (trying to hide the eagerness) volunteered to go with Joy, relieving the camp counselor who had been her “buddy” in the morning .  I was briskly given an ok, and so I hurried off to join Joy in her workshop, which turned out to be “Glee Disney.”

It was an instant connection. As we started singing through the familiar Disney songs and learning the lyrics, we smiled at each other, beaming. For the record, I LOVE Disney songs. Apparently so did Joy. She was incredible. She sang so beautifully, and she had the most beautiful smile.  Before I knew it,  I was being told that it was time for me to take a break, and I realized it was mid afternoon, and I hadn’t eaten or taken a break at all. As I left, she looked at me with those beautiful eyes, saying, “You leave me? Please, come back soon!”

After that, I was given “Joy Duty” for the afternoons, and I loved it. Some days were good days, and sometimes they weren’t.  Her workshop was actually rather complicated. The kids were learning a medley of different Disney songs, with choreography. Joy pretty much already knew all the songs, which was great because I didn’t know how well she could read. She hated LEARNING the choreography, because they would play the same part of music over and over. She hated the repetition, and sometimes she just got tired out. So sometimes we had to have breaks and “Joy-appointed” time outs, just to talk and do puzzles.  She learned the movements to the songs pretty well, but I always stood next to her, as if one of the kids, and did the routines with her.  That seemed to help her a lot, helped her feel connected and helped her stay on track.  Joy wanted and tried to make friends with the other kids, but that was hard. For one thing, she couldn’t remember their names, but would identify the kids like “the girl with the feather in her hair,” or “The girl with the funny laugh,” or even better, “You know, THAT girl!”  Plus, I think a lot of the kids we scared of her, because she was really touchy.  I didn’t mind if she held my hand, rubbed my arm, or gave me a kiss, but a seven-year-old might.

As the week went on, things went more and more smoothly. Her laugh was incredible and she never ceased to amaze me. She even auditioned for her favorite song, “Kiss the Girl” from “The Little Mermaid.” She didn’t get to solo, but I don’t think she even understood. She was just happy that she got sing and “make the kids happy.”

I was originally told that Joy would not participate in the “end of the week presentation” at all. But as the week went on, I hoped and hoped otherwise. She was eager to do the show, and I wanted more than anything for her to do it too. I knew that the idea of performing in front of a ton of people could cause a melt-down, but I was willing to risk having to deal with that.  It wasn’t fair on her for her to practice so hard all week-long, and not have anything to show for it. So on the last run-through on Thursday, I had her do the whole thing without me. “Joy, can you show me how well you can do it?” She did the whole thing without a hitch. It was incredible. And the look on her face when she was looking at me, just melted my heart! I could see the pure joy on her face. Not only had she made me so proud, but she was sharing one of my favorite loves, singing and dancing.  After the whole thing was over she exclaimed, “Heather, Heather! Did you see me? I did SO good! I did it all perfect! Did you see?”

The Friday performance was there before I knew it.  I did have worry as we walked into the gym, for one thing because Joy hadn’t eaten any of her lunch. I knew it would be loud and echo-y in the gym, which could be a lot of sensory overload for her, for anyone hadn’t eaten properly. But we hustled in to the gym and got in to our spots where we sat and waited as announcements were made. Joy draped herself over my lap, and starting eating her lunch, right there on the gym floor. Finally the parents started to file in. The two of us watched and waited, looking for Joy’s mom. When most of the parents and there was still no sign of Joy’s mom, I  started to worry. I thought to myself, “I’m going to have a serious meltdown on my hands if this girl’s mother doesn’t arrive.”

The first groups started their performances, and still no sign of Joy’s mom. Good thing WE weren’t first up! Finally, right before It was our workshop’s turn to start, we spied Joy’s mom walking in the door. We waved, and she waved back, looking almost surprised that her daughter was with the other children, ready to join in.

The kids scrambled to their places and the music began.  Gotta admit, the adrenaline was pumping for me too. All of us camp counselors were kneeling in front of the kids, facing them, ready to prompt them with choreography. And then it started….and it was INCREDIBLE! The rundown of the songs went as follows:

  1.  Be Our Guest (Beauty and the Beast)
  2. Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
  3. Arabian Nights (Aladdin)
  4. Kiss the Girl (The Little Mermaid) 
  5. Part of Your World (The Little Mermaid)
  6. A Whole New World (Aladdin)
  7. Beauty and the Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
  8. Fathoms Below (Little Mermaid)
  9. Under the Sea (The Little Mermaid)
  10. Friend Like Me (Aladdin) 

Whew! A lot to learn in one week, huh? But ALL the kids did incredible! It was like a miracle. Joy had gone from flopping around and barely being able to handle learning the work, to doing the routines almost perfectly! I was so proud of her, and she was incredible to watch! Because she was SO HAPPY! I see so many kids just go through the motions with performing (and LIFE for that matter). But that is the special thing about some special kids like Joy aren’t always afraid to show how DANG HAPPY they are!  It’s just so simple: “This is what makes me happy, so here’s my lovely smile!”

Anyway, back on topic, Joy succeeded in every way. And her mother, with tears in her eyes, DEFINITELY agreed. Joy’s mother was very touched, and when I saw the look on her face, I knew I had been part of something miraculous. Her verbal gratitude toward me was beautiful. I am also pleased to say that I will most likely be babysitting Joy during the school year!

I finished the week feeling very accomplished. THIS is the reason I want to work with kids with special needs. It’s so fulfilling! I got to BE JESUS to this little girl for a week, and it blessed me SO MUCH!

Joy* and I on the final day of camp

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Rewind: Coffee Shop Ponderings

During the past few months, and years of that matter, I have spent a lot of time in various coffee shops. Coffee shops are good for a lot of different things.  They are good for charging laptops.  They are good public places to stay safe in. Some coffee shops are open in the early morning, some are open late at night, some don’t close at all.  This was some writing I did at a Starbucks in March. I was very frustrated because I had set up an ideal surrounding for myself to write, but then I couldn’t find anything to say.  I ended up writing like this for a while…”free writing” of sorts…and then went home very frazzled. In reality I was still getting some medications sorted out.

Anyway…take a peek tonight into the (sometimes frustrating) mind of Heather. Go ahead, and then tell me what you think!

Tonight is a night of pondering.


Evening Walking.

Caramel Latte. 

Jars of Clay. 



I wish I had the ability to take what is in my head and get it in words on this screen. There is so much I am longing to say, I just can’t seem to interpret it into words. I feel isolated. Trapped within my own mind, raging to get out. Where is God when I need him? In the words of Psalm 42, why are you cast down, oh my soul?



Their talking about you. Nobody like you. What a joke.

Where’s my camp? Where is my safe haven? Nowhere. It doesn’t exist.

God, be good to me. I’m trusting you will unmuddle my head soon.

I can’t feel you. You’re a cement wall in the sky.  Frustration. Anger. Every emotion at once. Why is the writing thing sooooo hard? Why can’t I interpret what’s in my head?



“Darkness is my closest friend.”

My story is one of uncertainty.

Nicotine and Caffeine.

I’m losing it…

Jesus I’m crying out to you. Cover me. Help me function. I can’t do this on my own. Send me an angel of hope.

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Rewind: Children of the Light

Posted on my personal blog, “Choosing Joy”  on January 26th, 2013



From Darkness To Light

Eph 5:1  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.

Eph 5:2  And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 

Eph 5:8  for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 

Eph 5:9  (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true),

Eph 5:10  and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Eph 5:11  Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.  

Eph 5:13  But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 

Eph 5:14  for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 

“Awake, O sleeper, 

and arise from the dead, 

and Christ will shine on you.” 


Recently I have been studying and meditating on Ephesians 4:17-5:21, entitled “Living as Children of the Light.”  These are the verses that have especially stuck out to me. I love the that Christ is the light of the world (John 8:12) and that there really no such thing as darkness.  Darkness is simply the absence of light, just how those of this world live in the absence of Christ. I also love how the Tabernacle from the old testament was lit up inside by seven lamps reflecting on the gold interior (Exodus 37:17-24), as a visual that true light is from the Lord, as reveled by Christ in his teachings.  Also, when Moses was in the presence of the Lord on Mt. Sinai, his face was radiant because he had seen the Lord face to face (Exodus 34:29).  This demonstrates the figurative way that Christ radiates through him when we are in him; when we are children of the light. The word for “light” in this passage is the Greek word φῶς (phōs) which is not the word that would describe how the sun or another object shines, but is usually used in reference to God. Another way that the last phrase of Ephesians 5:14 can be translated is “and Christ will give thee light.” Christ shines his glory upon us who are in him, but also illuminates our lives, we become translucent and Christ radiates through us.  As the light exposes ourselves, Christ becomes evident in us as we daily die to sin and awake to our identity in the Lord. 

I am encouraged by the fact that God chooses to use me to radiate his light if I remain in him! The rest of this passage shows what it looks like to be a child of the Light, but in short, we are to imitate Christ and the way that Jesus lived. What an honor to bear his essence, I am truly blessed to be a blessing. If only everyone could understand the honor that we have received to be considered children of God, children of the first, true and only light.


I am blessed to be the hands your grace

I am blessed that one day I will see your face

Your face that is the light of the world

Your face will be all I see…

Blessings on you today, may you too learn and desire to live as a child of the light!

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Thoughts of Halloween

Today marks my third official year celebrating Halloween.  I kind of have a love/hate relationship with this day, and I think I always will. I’m not going to get into a debate today on the ethics and theology of Halloween, I have many friends who both embrace and deny it.  I do believe it is a special day though.  I think that things happen on this day that don’t happen on any other day of the year.


Many different memories come to mind on this day.  I remember the dress-up box getting put away, because God knows who would get us if we dressed up on October 31st.  I remember being kept home from activities and church groups because of the costumes.   I remember our curtains being closed, locked out from the whatever evil the rest of the world was doing.  I remember all the candy that I would somehow get a hold of after the holiday was over.  I knew there was something magical that I wasn’t getting to be a part of. 


Two years ago I went to my first Halloween/harvest party.  I dressed as Ragity Anne, and prepared at my friend’s house.  I watched her and her current finance’ fight and yell about his drinking habits, and was thankful that I  wasn’t getting a ride home with them.  The friends I did get a ride home with was lit up with glow sticks and thankful we weaseled our way out of a ticket when we got pulled over.


Last year I made a warm welcome to Halloween at swing dancing and community college.  I prepared a killer costume of Deb from Napoleon Dynamite with the help of friends.  I organized a group of my friends to go to a special costume swing dance event.  Amazingly, the people I spend that night with are some of the friends who have supported me greatly this year.  


And this morning I found myself stranded in North Portland, dressed as the corpse bride, to exhausted and scared to get myself home, watching the city go by.  I made it to school around noon where I was treated like a celebrity due to my costume and rising networking status.  After crashing in a friend’s car, I made to downtown Oregon City where with my theater company we brought in the evening with a bang.  Soon I will make my journey back to Portland where I have the best of friends waiting for me to make sure I have a safe and fun night, whatever I need that to be.  



Stranded in North Portland!  Making the best of things as the corpse bride hangs tight waiting for a ride on this crisp beautiful hallow's eve morning. #corpsebride #halloween #lovethiscity

Stranded in North Portland! Making the best of things as the corpse bride hangs tight waiting for a ride on this crisp beautiful hallow’s eve morning. #corpsebride #halloween #lovethiscitySo tonight I am blessed.



To tonight I toast to the people that have stood by me through thin and thin.  I toast to those who have been affected by my careless words and behavior.  I toast to my friends who are rising above the gossip and rumors in order to keep people safe.  I toast to the Lord because he is so good, and I toast the devil because he reminds us how beautiful our God is.  The clouds have a silver lining, because the sun is so much brighter. GOD BLESS YOU ALL! 

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Rewind: My Journey Towards Choosing Joy

Below is a compilation of personal blog posts telling the story of my special horse and I, and the way we learned to trust together.  Please enjoy the stories and pictures.  Stay tuned for more posts telling about my more current experiences with horses, including a trip to this ranch just a month ago! 

Continue reading

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Rewind and Right Now: Lost Within Myself

I’m going to be honest here, thus week has been challenging.  Due to some unexpected recent events I have been experiencing PTSD.  I have been having some every similar emotions as expressed in the piece I wrote in mid-February if this past year.

Nothing makes me happy right now. Really truly happy. I smiled when I talked to Hannah on the phone, I chuckled at dance when Benny the dog was being silly.  But where is that complete feeling that I used to know? I used to feel full, but now I’m empty, and I’m not sure what will fill me up again.

Is Jesus enough? I sincerely believe that he is a God that can do all things, but does that mean that we depend on only him? Are those pills that I have learned to resent part of God’s will for me?

A woman that I look up to always tells me that “we are rulers of our own destiny.” I think there is truth in this, yet where does God’s sovereignty fit in? I want to have a successful life, I have dreams and goals. But I’m not there yet. I’m stuck in the here and now, where sleeping feels good, living takes work and God feels so far away.

When I can think clearly enough, these are the questions I am asking. Yet for the last few days (or weeks), thinking clearly is rare. My thoughts conflict, and stress comes rushing in like a whirlwind. I want help, I need something to change. I don’t know what that looks like, and I’m scared.

 My 18th birthday is quickly approaching, and I’m moving out this Saturday. This new freedom is something I have dreamed of for years, bu suddenly, its scary. Maybe that is normal? Maybe I just won’t know until I’m there.

Well, I have to be up and moving in six hours, so I should probably wrap up my rambling. Maybe this has done some good? Maybe I will awake with renewed energy and motivation? Somehow I doubt it. For now I will give in to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow. Help me Jesus, I am lost within myself. Teach me to find myself in you. 

Thank you for reading my friends. Please don’t hesitate at all to send a prayer in my name! Please do! These are hard days, everything aches and hurts.


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Trust and Obey: A Journal Belonging to Esther

This is an original composition based on the book of Esther. It is an idea of what she might have been thinking and feeling.  The piece was written in January 2012, and was a creative interpretation assignment for a high school Old Testament Survey Class.  Please enjoy!

Painting by Edwin Long, 1878

Painting by Edwin Long, 1878

Dear Journal,

                  Sometimes I feel so alone.  My parents have died, and all my friends are different than me.  I am different than all the other girls I know. None of the other girls are Jewish, they worship many gods. Their names are different, and they act differently as well. They have different traditions, they eat different foods, and they have many family relatives and great amounts of money.  Most importantly, they all have parents. Now I am very thankful for Mordecai for taking care of me all these years, for being like a father to me. Still, he is not my father. I want to trust that God has a purpose for me here in Persia. But right now, I feel so alone.

Dear Journal,

                  Today we heard that Queen Vashti is no longer queen!  Apparently, While King Xerxes was indulging during his banquet, he felt the need to show off his wife publicly.  Now if I was queen I would not like to be paraded around, with all sorts of most likely drunk men looking at me!  I suppose this is how Queen Vashti felt too, because she refused to show herself to her husband, the King.  Now King Xerxes has banished her from the throne. I do not like how he has treated Queen Vashti, I do not that is how a husband should act, no matter if he is the king or not. If I were the queen I think I would have wanted to respond the way she responded, but I do not know if I would have had the courage to.  Of course this would never happen, why would I ever stand before the King?

*About four years later*

Dear Journal,

                  I am so overwhelmed right now! Everything in my life has changed. I have been taken from my home and the little family that I have and been brought to the king’s palace with many other girls. We are here because the king misses Queen Vashti body.  Now he wants to find another woman to suite his pleasure, so many of us girls have been forced from our homes so he can take inventory. Hegai, the man who was put in charge us, has been very kind to me. He is making sure that I have the food I need, and maidens to take care of me. I feel blessed because of him.  Also, Mordecai told me to keep my Hebrew heritage and faith a secret.  I am trying my best to honor him and do as he wishes, but it is hard! I do not know how to act like the other Persian girls. I miss my home so much, even though Mordecai has been visiting me every day.

*About one year later*

Dear Journal,

                  I am so scared, for the time I have been dreading yet waiting for has come. Tonight I must go and sleep with the King. A year I have been preparing for this moment, being beautified in every way imaginable. Now I have to go and try to impress the king in bed! I am not ready for this, and I do not think I want to be ready. I am a virgin, and I do not know what I am doing. How am I supposed to please an old and experienced man? I do not know if I should even try to please him. Maybe if he does not approve of me, then my life will get back to normal.  However, if he somehow senses that I am not trying my best to bring him pleasure, he could assume that I am mocking him and have me beheaded. I am not called to honor elders and authorities? I do not know what to do or how to feel. I do not understand how God could have a purpose in this.

Dear Journal,

                  So much has happened; I do not know how to process it! First of all, my night with the king was unbelievable!  I could have never imagined such love and passion as I experienced that night. King Xerxes was so kind and gentle with me, and the way he touched me was so perfect. I felt completely safe in his arms, and I knew that he loved me. I knew because I didn’t adorn myself in unnecessary ways. If the king was going to see and spend time with me, it would be the real me.  King Xerxes has now chosen me as his queen. I have a crown to prove it.  We have all been enjoying a grand wedding feast, and I feel very happy. I am not sure if I even know what love is, but I do think I am in love with King Xerxes.  The only thing that worries me is that my new husband still does not know of my Jewish heritage and faith. I want to share everything with him, but I need to honor Mordecai’s wishes. He has a lot of wisdom, and I know there must be a reason he asked me to keep it a secret.

Dear Journal,

                  Little did I know that my new husband would such a death target! Today Mordecai informed me that two men were scheming to kill my husband, King Xerxes!  This upset me a lot, but on top of that, I had to go to the king and tell him this hard information. But because I took action and obeyed Mordecai, these horrible men have been caught and they will be put to death. I made sure to give all the credit to Mordecai.  I am starting to understand some of my relative’s great wisdom. I am starting to understand that if I simply trust and obey, no matter how hard it is, that I will be blessed. I wonder, does this apply to my relationship with God as well?

Dear Journal,

                  Right now I am sort of worried.  King Xerxes has brought a man named Haman to come help him rule over the people of Persia. The king finds much favor in Haman, and he had elevated him over everyone, giving him almost as much power as King Xerxes himself. I am glad that my husband has found a man that can keep him company, who he can confide in. Yet, there is something about Haman that makes me uneasy. Maybe I am just an attention seeking wife, but I do not think so. I sometimes sense tension between the two of them, and it makes me worry.

Dear Journal,

                  I love and respect my relative Mordecai so much. He raised me and always treated me like his very own daughter. That is why it worried me so much when I found out that he was outside crying and wearing sackcloth. The reason however was the most upsetting, and it confirmed my suspicions about Haman. I found out from Mordecai through messengers that he had refused to bow down to Haman. This didn’t surprise me at all, for Mordecai is a man of great and strong faith. I know that it would go against his convictions to bow to anyone except God. This angered Haman so much that he tried to bribe my husband to execute all those of Jewish heritage! Now Mordecai wants me to go to my husband the king and appeal this royal decree. Lately I have been doubting my relationship with King Xerxes.  I hope that he still finds favor in me, for he has not asked to see me for thirty days.  This makes me feel especially skeptical of going to my husband uninvited and trying to ask for something.  He has every power to have me killed, just for entering into his presence without an invitation. However, I know that if I do not approach him, I will be killed, along with my only father-figure and many other innocent Jews.  Nerveless, this does not make me any less afraid to go and talk to King Xerxes.  Now something just that Mordecai said to me through message keeps popping up in my head: “And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” This could be why the king found favor in me; this could be why I was chosen to be queen.  This could be the Lord’s plan and purpose for me. If so, why am I still so afraid? I know that Mordecai and many Jews are fasting while praying for me, but I cannot feel it. I feel completely alone, without any support. Yet I know what I must do: trust and obey, no matter how hard it is.

Dear Journal,

                  Well, I did it. Now looking back, I know that the Lord was with me. I entered into the room where my husband the king was sitting, and he was happy to see me. I was so happy to see him as well, and I wanted to just run into his arms and receive the comfort that I needed.  However, I knew that I could not do that. I had to be strong and poised for everything to work. I invited the king and Haman to eat dinner with me. When they came that night, I could tell that Haman was feeling pretty good about himself, and I did not like that one bit. King Xerxes then asked me what I really wanted, offering me greatness just so his curiosity would be eased. I invited them to come to dinner again, and then I would speak my mind. When they left, I felt worried, but I felt stronger and had confidence in my actions.

Dear Journal,

                  I feel the blessings of the Lord raining down on me. I now see how God worked everything together to glorify him. I am overwhelmed with the way that God used me in such a big way. I feel honored to be part of his perfect plan. I had my second dinner with King Xerxes and Haman.  When Haman came in that night, I knew that something was upsetting him, but I had no idea that it was directly related to Mordecai. After the meal was done, my husband again asked me what I desired. Not quite sure how to proceed, I blurted everything out. I told my husband that my desire was to live, along with the rest of the Hebrew nation. And the climax: I told the king that it was all Haman’s fault.  What happened next just reinforced my husband’s amazing love for me. Like a good husband and king should, he made everything right. In that same day, Haman was hanged on the gallows he had personally prepared for Mordecai. All of Haman’s possessions were given to me, and I in turn gave it all to Mordecai. The king gave Mordecai his signet ring, giving Mordecai all the authority that Haman had had. Mordecai and I revealed our relation to the king, who loves me still, even though I am not of his own race.  Finally, a law has been passed by the king and Mordecai that gives all Jews the freedom to defend themselves against anyone who tries to hurt them on the day that Haman appointed for our doom.

*Many years later*

Dear Journal,

I look back on my early years as queen and I have both wonderful and fearful memories.  I now understand why it needed to be me that became queen.  I understand why I had to go through the things that I did, so God could make an impact in my life and save his chosen people from destruction. Now I have the blessing of mentoring other Jews, along with Mordecai. I am also striving to teach my step-son of the ways of the Lord, so he may be a strong leader when his father dies. I know though that I am not better than any other young woman. I choose to trust and obey, no matter how hard it was, and because of that, a nation was saved and a heart was deeply changed.

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Rewind: The Plan You Have For Me

This is the first post that will fall under the category “Rewind.” These posts will feature past writings of mine.  Some pieces will come from my private blog entitled “Choosing Joy,” which I have written on sporadically for the past few years. Some pieces I have not shared with anyone yet.  Through “Rewind” posts, I will get to share things that I have wanted to share in the past, or what I have never dared to share more publicly until now.  You will get to learn more about me and the different walks I have been taken on in my life.

The first piece I will share is a poem called “The Plan You Have For Me. ” I posted it on “Choosing Joy” on January 27th, 2013, which was the beginning of a very rough place for me.  I had a lot of questions, and not a lot of answers.  Typical to the Pacific North West, at this time shadows were many, and sunlight was rare and still cold.

Give me ears to hear

Give me eyes to see

Give me a heart to understand

The plan you have for me


Open up my mind

Set my bound soul free

Give me patience to wait for it

The plan you have for me


Release me from my fear

Break my anxiety

Focus me upon your dream

The plan you have for me


You are all I need

Your love, it sets me free

Thank you for your perfect plan

The plan you have for me

Does this poem spark any emotions or memories for you? Have there been life questions that you have asked that you have found the answer to in a far later time?  Do you have thoughts of the idea of God having a plan for our lives?  Don’t hesitate to comment, and of course, thank you for reading! God bless you!

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