“Be still and know that I am God,
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Be Still…translated from the Hebrew word râphâh, which literal means cease, fail, idle, let alone, slack and to be weak or slothful.
Think about those English words for a moment. Do they sound like good things to do? Not in the culture! In our present age, it is all about being the fastest and most efficient. We strive to be self-suffocate, independent people. Its all about how much we can do do do, to be there best best BEST! Busy…has somehow become the new happy. But it isn’t very happy at all.
From reading Psalm 46, it sure doesn’t sound like God’s idea of happy either. Apparently, God wants us to slow down…stop and think if him. This is does not come natural to me, this has been my struggle for the past couple months.
I am different than a lot of people; I’m an odd combo, an oxi-moron. I am a major extrovert…with some major depression. What does this mean? It means I get my high from people. Being with my friends, feeling connected and in the middle of whatever is happening is better than any drug for me. I can be physically and even mentally exhausted to no end, but when I’m with a big group of my friends, I become an energized social butterfly! For a lot of people this type of situation can be overwhelming and exhausting, but normally it isn’t for me. With some friends by my side…I’m on top of the world. But when I’m all alone; doing homework, riding the bus, trying to fall asleep…there’s a different side of me. Its a sad, lonely, confused Heather. There are few that have seen this side of me, which isn’t even really on purpose. Its just the people that know me well enough to be spending time in a one on one setting who see glimpses of the depressed side of me. For years I have had everyone fooled, thinking a was happy as all get out, and I wasn’t even trying to fool them! Because I DO have great moments and I HAVE been blessed by a lot of things. But for some reason, whether its by nature or nurture, I can have a great night with friends and still cry myself to sleep that night.
This is one of the reasons why it so hard for me to follow the Lord’s instructions and “be still.” Being busy is probably my greatest coping mechanism. It isn’t very healthy, but its better than some of my alternatives, and it looks great. When I have to hold yourself together to be busy, nobody gets to know how sad I am…including myself. When I’m busy, with often very good things, I get to hide from my emotions.
I have been living the functional yet dysfunctional lifestyle since September. Now, the school term is over, I am not working or dancing. I have twenty days to get ready to go on my trip, but not much else going on. While it should feel like a relief, and it does a little, it is actually very scary. I feel like I am going through withdrawals from school…because at school I have so many friends and so I love it. I am dreading this holiday season, because it has such bittersweet memories, but mostly, because it is suppose to be a time of rest. And for me, resting means I have to feel.
A lot has happened to me over the past few months. There have been very hard things happen, but I had to keep going, because I was busy. There were always places to go, people to see, no time to be sad and cry. Now it is different, I can’t be numb anymore. I know that is going to be good for me, but honestly, it really stinks. I pulled things together really well, and now I have to un-pull-it-together so that I don’t completely fall apart while on my missions trip! Honestly…I don’t even know where to start, except by writing this post. And by remembering that verse, meditating on that day and night. Tonight, that is what I am trying to do.